I Love You, You Smeghead
by GothTrekkie
Summary: When Lister wakes up to the sound of Rimmer crying, he goes to comfort him and the truth finally comes out. Lister/Rimmer.


**Hey everyone, this is my first Red Dwarf fic and when I wrote it I had only seen the first series so it might be a tiny bit out of character. Anyways, enjoy :)**

Arnold J. Rimmer laid down on his bunk and tried to pull the covers up over himself, only to sigh defeatedly as they fell right through him. He rolled over and stared sadly out into the room, wondering what the point was to being around if he couldn't touch anything. He wasn't even real. He was a hologram. '_Dead,'_ he thought, '_that's what I am. I'm dead.'_

He laid in agonizing silence until he heard the soft snores of his bunkmate, Dave Lister, coming from above him. It was only then that he let himself succumb to the sobs that had been building up inside of him. He always waited until Lister was asleep to cry. He was supposed to be so strong, so competent! As the highest ranking officer on the ship he had to show courage in the face of adversity! He just couldn't stand the thought of letting Lister see his pathetic side.

So Rimmer cried all alone in the dark. He was so in despair that he didn't even realize that his sobs had become audible. A particularly loud and pathetic cry roused Lister from his sleep. Opening one eye, Dave tried to determine what it was that had woken him up. Slowly, his half-asleep mind processed the sounds of crying coming from below him. Was Rimmer crying? Dave stuck his head over the side of the bunk and peered down, but it was too dark to see.

"Rimmer?" he asked tentatively.

Suddenly the holographic form on the bunk below stopped sobbing and shaking and froze, still as a statue. Rimmer tried to look like he was asleep, but Lister wasn't buying it. "Rimmer? Why're you crying?"

"I'm not crying," stated Rimmer crossly, voice thick from sobbing.

"What were you doing then?" wondered Dave.

Rimmer hesitated for a second. "Nothing. Just go back to sleep."

Lister sighed. "Alright. If you want to cry alone than suit yourself. But it's not every day I'm gonna offer you a shoulder to cry on."

At that, Rimmer broke down again. "Oh, Lister! What's the point anymore! I'm dead! I'm already dead! You don't want me here, I can't do anything! I can't touch anything! Oh God, I'm saying 'oh god' and I don't even believe in god!" Rimmer held his face in his hands and sobbed.

Sighing once again, Lister climbed out of his bunk and went to sit beside Rimmer. "Hey, man, it's okay," he said softly. Even though Rimmer was a total smeghead and annoyed the hell out of him, Lister hated to see one of his only companions suffer. He wanted to place a comforting hand on Rimmer's shoulder, but not being able to be touched was one of the man's main problems.

"It's not going to be okay!" protested Rimmer. "You don't know what it's like to not be able to touch anything or to be touched! You don't know what it's like to just be a hologram of yourself! These aren't even real tears!" Rimmer wiped at his eyes and cheeks and held out his hands to show that they were dry. "They're just holograms. Like me."

"Well that's okay," said Lister. "Who wants to cry real tears anyways? They'd just dry all over your face and make your eyes all red."

Rimmer sniffled out of habit, even though he didn't have any mucus either. "It's not just the tears. I can't ever touch anyone again." Defeatedly he laid down on his side.

Lister briefly debated on whether or not to lay down next to him, but decided against it. He'd probably just end up falling asleep in Rimmer's bed if he did.

"What if I meet someone, Lister? I'll never be able to be with them. I'll never get to hold them, or kiss them, or make love to them or have children!"

"We're kinda in the same boat there," said Lister. "As far as I know I'm the last human alive and until we get off this ship there's no way I could even find an alien woman to sleep with."

"Well at least you know what it feels like," Rimmer mumbled under his breath.

"What?" asked Dave.

Rimmer sighed and braced himself to make a confession. "I died a virgin, Lister."

"What? Really? But you told me you and Yvonne McGruder-"

"I made that up so you wouldn't think I was such a smeghead."

"But if you're going to lie about your sex life why not at least make it sound good?" wondered Dave.

"Because it wouldn't have been believable. Good things don't happen to me. You would have known I was making it up," explained Rimmer.

"So no Yvonne McGruder then?"

"Nope."

"Wow, that's tough," said Dave. "Most guys who die virgins don't have to live with the fact that they died a virgin… Did you at least have your first kiss?" he wondered.

"Yes," said Rimmer. "In high school."

"See, you're not a _total _smeghead! Was she cute? What was her name?" Lister asked, hoping that if he got Rimmer thinking about happier times, the man would stop crying and let him go to sleep.

Rimmer closed his eyes. Since he was already making embarrassing confessions, why stop there? "Peter Hawkins."

"Peter? That's a horrible name for a girl!" said Lister without thinking.

Even in the dim light, he could see the holographic blush rise up on Rimmer's face. "Peter wasn't a girl. And yes, he was very cute," he added somewhat defensively.

Lister blinked at the realization. So Rimmer liked men. Now that he thought about it, it really shouldn't have been all that surprising.

The hologram shifted on the bed uncomfortably. "I know. You're probably just going to laugh at me. Go ahead. See if I care."

"What? No! Why would I do that?" asked Lister.

"I don't know. Everybody else did."

"What do you mean?"

"When I kissed Peter Hawkins… it wasn't... real per se. The other guys at school, they wanted to prove to everyone that I was gay, so one night they invited me to a party and had Peter tell me that he liked me. I thought he really meant it… but then when I kissed him, the other guys jumped out and laughed at me. Even Peter, he laughed at me and called me a smegging faggot. Turns out they had videotaped the whole thing, the gimboids. It went viral all around the school. People threw eggs at me, Lister. I don't even know why they had eggs with them at school!"

Lister had always expected that someone as pathetic as Rimmer would had to have had a crappy childhood, but he never imagined anything like that would have happened to him. "Aw man. That's… that horrible." Dave's brow creased at the thought of just how horrible it was. He never thought he would actually feel bad for Rimmer. "I'm not gonna do that to you, Rimmer. It caught me a bit off guard to find out that you like men but I don't care."

"You don't?"

"Of course not. Homophobia died out 3 million years ago," Dave tried to assure him.

Now that he had been reassured, there was a question nagging at the back of Rimmer's mind. He knew if he didn't get it out now while he and Lister were being open and vulnerable with each other, then he would most likely never have another chance to find out. "Lister?" he asked tentatively. "Have you ever… fancied a man?"

The question caught Lister off guard but he had no shame in his sexuality so he answered with little hesitation. "Sure I have. I mean, I usually go for women but I've been with a few men too."

Rimmer's heart skipped a beat upon hearing that. He had thought that there was no way Lister would ever go for a man… but even if he would go for a man, that didn't mean he would go for a man like Arnold Rimmer. "Just a few?" scoffed Rimmer. "That's way more than my none. I'll never find anyone who wants to be with me."

"Aw, lighten up, Rimmer," said Lister, leaning back to rest against the wall of the bunk. "There's a guy out there for you."

"And what do you suggest I do when I find him? Say 'Oh, darling, truly I do love you, but we can never touch or kiss or make love. Doesn't that sound like everything you've ever wanted in a man?' What could anybody possibly see in me? I'm a nobody."

The more tired he got, the less Lister worried about invading the other man's personal space. He slowly laid down next to Rimmer so he could look him in the eyes. "People can see a lot in you, man. For one, you're handsome and as much as I hate to admit it, you're good company. You make me laugh whether you mean to or not. You're the highest ranking man on this ship and you're the hardest working, most devoted person I've ever met. You've managed to keep me from going insane and you may be a smeghead but it looks good on you."

"You really mean that?"

"Yeah, of course I do, man," Lister cracked a small smile in the dim light. It had been so long since he had had an open conversation with anyone, even if it was Rimmer.

The hologram took in a deep breath. "Dave, can I tell you something?" he asked hesitantly.

"Sure, anything," said Lister, trying to sound calm even though he was sure he knew exactly what Rimmer was going to tell him.

"Please don't hate me for this. I understand if you don't feel the same way and if that is so than we never need to speak of this again, and I know that relationships amongst the crew are frowned upon and technically we'd need to file a lot of paper work, but, Lister, against my better judgment, it appears I've grown to… like you… romantically that is. There, I've said it."

Lister let out the breath he had been holding. He never thought a confession of feelings could be that long and rambling! "Rimmer, only you could make a love confession so wordy," chuckled Lister fondly.

"If you don't feel the same way you can leave," said Rimmer defeatedly.

"And what if I do feel the same way?"

Rimmer blinked as though the thought had never occurred to him before. "You… you do?"

"Yes, I love you, you smeghead," smiled Dave, looking the other man in the eyes meaningfully.

Rimmer let out a shaky breath and closed his eyes for a second. "Oh, Listy, me too."

Then, as they stared lovingly into each other's eyes, cheesy romantic music began to play around them. They both frowned. "Holly!" called out Lister, annoyed. "What are you doing?" The music stopped abruptly.

"Sorry, just thought you'd like some music to go with the moment," said the computer, nonchalantly.

"Have you been spying on us?" asked Dave.

"I've got to do something for entertainment around here," he replied.

"Well knock it off!" ordered Lister. "This is a private moment. We'd like sometime _alone._"

Holly sighed. "Alright. Don't come crying to me next time you want fitting background music." The computer screen once again went dark.

"Now," said Lister. "Where were we?"

"Staring," Rimmer reminded him.

"Oh, yeah." The two men continued to stare at each other longingly for a second, neither of them able to do anything about their newly confessed feelings. "God, I wish I could kiss you, Rimsy," said Dave softly.

"You don't know how much I wish you could."

"We could try," said Lister, starting to lean in just a little bit.

"It won't work," Rimmer frowned.

Dave cracked a soft smile. "I know." With that, he leaned in all the way, keeping his eyes open and stopping just when he saw his lips hit the edge of the hologram's lips. Rimmer gasped at the sight of the man he had dreamed about for so long finally lying in front of him, kissing him to the best of his ability.

Rimmer shut his eyes and pursed his lips, moving them in unison with Lister's. Anyone watching would have thought that they were actually kissing, but neither could feel the other. After a few moments of simulated kissing, Rimmer attempted to rub up against Lister's thigh but to no avail. He moaned at the frustration and Lister pulled away.

"Smegging hell, Rimmer, you're getting me so horny," panted Lister, grabbing himself through his boxers.

"Me too," groaned Rimmer. "I just wish there was something we could do about it!"

Suddenly something occurred to Lister and just the thought made him blush. "Hey, Rimmer… I know you can't touch me but… can you touch yourself?"

"Yes, of course I can. Remember when Holly gave me the wrong arm and it made me punch myself in the crotch?"

"Oh, yeah. Well, since we can't really have sex, we could just… you know… together," suggested Lister.

Rimmer's cheeks flushed pink as well. "Yes, it seems that is the only thing we can do, what with my being a hologram."

Lister stuck his hand down his boxers and groaned as he grabbed himself. Rimmer just stared embarrassedly. "Oh come on, Rimmer, don't make me do this alone. I want to see the look on your face when you touch yourself," Dave told him.

With a nod, Rimmer put his own hand down his pajama pants and began to stroke himself, timidly at first but then becoming less self-conscious and letting himself go.

Lister took in the sight of Rimmer, eyes closed in pleasure, a look of total abandon on his face. This is how he had always longed to see the usually uptight, disciplined man; relaxed, uninhibited, succumbing to his natural urges. "Oh, Lister," he moaned.

They both knew they wouldn't last long. It had been so long since Lister had gotten laid and for Rimmer this was the most sexual thing he had ever done with anyone. "Oh, smeg, Lister!" the hologram cried out as he came.

"Rimmer!" gasped the other man as he too reached his orgasm.

Panting and sated, they looked down at the mess between. "Is that… holographic cum?" asked Lister.

Rimmer blushed. "Yes, it is. Don't worry, it goes away on its own."

"I wasn't worried," said Lister. "Besides, this is your bed."

Normally, Rimmer would have yelled at Lister for ruining his sheets, but he found that at that moment he didn't really care. "Oh, yes, I suppose it is. No matter, tomorrow is laundry day anyway." He gave Lister a lazy and affectionate smile as he laid back down on his pillow.

"So um, how was that for your first sexual experience with another human being?" asked Lister.

"It was marvellous, splendid, and… marvellous," Rimmer replied, unable to think of any other adjectives at the time.

Lister chuckled and laid his head down next to Rimmer's. "So, do you want me to go back to my own bunk now?" he asked.

The hologram shook his head. "No, you can stay. That is, unless you don't want to."

"No, I want to stay," Lister quickly assured the other man. "Your bunk's got more leg room."

Rimmer let out a breath that was half laugh and half sigh. "Goodnight, Listy."

"Goodnight, Rimsy."

* * *

When Lister awoke the next morning, he found he was spooning Rimmer, well at least he would have been if Rimmer had been solid. Instead, one of his legs and one of his arms were going through the other man's holographic body. It looked slightly creepy so he quickly moved them and watched Rimmer sleep peacefully. It was odd to see him like this; Rimmer was always up before him, frantically doing exercises and yelling at him to get up. Holly must have done them a favour by "forgetting" to set their alarm.

Lister was content to watch Rimmer sleep for a while, but soon he got bored and restless. "Hey, Rimsy… Arnold… Rimmer!" he said, trying to wake him up.

Suddenly, he awoke with a start. "Huh? What? Oh! Lister… Good morning."

"Didn't scare you too much, did I?" asked Lister.

"No. I've just never woken up with someone else in my bed before… it's kinda nice…" he admitted.

Lister smiled. "Hey, I know it might be a bit early to ask this but I've been thinking…" he began awkwardly.

"About what?" asked Rimmer, suddenly nervous. What could Lister possibly have to ask him after only one night of being together?

"How would you like to be part of me plan?" wondered Lister.

"What plan?"

"You know! The Plan! Move to Fiji, have a farm, open up a hotdog and donut diner… The Plan!"

"How many times do I have to tell you; Fiji was under water 3 million years ago. God knows what's happened to it now!" teased Rimmer.

"Well we won't know unless we try to get there, eh? Besides, you're the one with all the fancy swimming certificates!" pointed out Lister. "So what do you say? Me, you, some horses and lambs, hotdogs and donuts, tropical beaches?"

"I thought you were going to do that with Kochanski…" said Rimmer quietly.

Lister shook his head somewhat sadly. "Rimmer, Kochanski's dead."

"Yes, but so am I!" the hologram pointed out.

"Yeah, but you're here. She's not. I've got to move on."

"You could always find her hologram disk and have her instead of me," Rimmer pointed out.

"Yeah, I could," agreed Lister. "But I don't want to. I'd much rather it be you, Rimmer. Truth is, I can't imagine my life without you."

Rimmer's heart was pounding at a million miles an hour. He felt like he was going to have panic attack but at the same time he also felt better and more loved than he ever had before. "Listy, that's the most incredibly romantic thing anyone's ever said to me… Yes, I don't care if Fiji is at the bottom of the ocean or in the middle of an active volcano. I'll go with you. Even if we will have to put flotation devices on the sheep."

Lister was elated. "Really! This is fantastic, man!" Without thinking, he leaned in a little too enthusiastically to kiss Rimmer but ended up going right through his holographic head. "Oh… Sorry..,"

"I hope you know this is going to be a very physically unsatisfying relationship for both of us," said Rimmer.

Lister shook his head. "I swear, Arnold, we'll get you a body somehow. And when you get that body… I'm gonna give you the night of your life."

Rimmer gulped as he became aroused again. "Then we better get to work on getting me a body. I don't think I can wait much longer." With that, they leaned in for another, more carefully calculated virtual kiss. Cheesy romantic music once again began to play all around them. "Holly!" Rimmer yelled out irritatedly. "Quit smegging spying on us!"

The music cut out. "Sorry!"

The End.

**What did you guys think? Reviews are loved! :)**

**Toodle pipski!**


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